90’s Movies

I just watched Timecop for the first time in a long time. Maybe this is nostalgia talkin but, why are 90’s movies so much better!? Listen, I know there were some stinkers in there too! The quality of movies fluctuated wildly! But over all, they were better! Right? The women were more attractive, the clothes were uglier, heroes were more heroic, and the one-liners were more one-liner-y!

For one thing, movies used to have genuinely happy endings! The good guy won and got to go back home to his family! The bad guy was usually dead, thus saving the tax payers a heap of money by not having to put him on trial or keep him in jail for years on end! It was a simpler time! We didn’t concern ourselves with due process and the rights of the accused! Not that those are bad things! But, when a guy travels back in time to kill you and your wife before future you can uncover his scheme to travel back in time and steal money so he can pay to win a future election… I mean, can there possibly be any doubt that this guy is guilty? Why bother with a trial? Just hoist him by his own petard and be done with it!

Also, 90’s movies were so much more optimistic about what the future would look like! According to Timecop for example, we should’ve had self-driving Armored Personnel Carriers for cars… ten years ago! Not to mention reliable, working (to the point of being common place) voice recognition/activation. I still can’t get my phone to voice dial a number without repeating it five times… verry… sloooowwwlllyyy…. aaaannnnD…. Eeeennnnnuuuuunnnnciiiiaaaaatiiiinnnng! But in the 90’s, they thought a computer could understand Jean-Claude Van Damme’s accent with no problem! I admit, most visions of the future presented in 90’s movies were dystopian. Double Dragon and RoboCop 3 spring to mind! But at least they were fun! And the tech was still way better than it is in real life! Let us not forget that in Star Trek: First Contact (arguably the best of the TNG movies and also from the 90’s) There had just been a war, and Zefram Cochrane re-purposed an ICBM for his warp ship! If we had followed his story from beginning to end, I’m sure it would’ve come across a bit dystopian too!

Oh, and can I just ask? Where have all my gratuitous sex scenes gone? Maybe they’re in the R rated movies that studios don’t seem to make anymore because PG-13 movies bring in the big box office bucks (pandering, nutless, special interest sycophants)! And let’s be clear, a scene of a girl taking a shower, shot through frosted glass, does not count! I want something that looks like twenty to thirty seconds of a softcore porn akin to what one might see on “Skinemax”! Something with thrusting buttocks and lady nipples, softly lit… from off to the side somewhere, and appropriate musical accompaniment… something vaguely synth sounding maybe!

Again, this might just be nostalgia talkin’! So what do you think? Did movies used to be better? Why or why not?


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