Why I Hate “The Newsroom”

In the weeks since The Newsroom premiered on HBO there have been a myriad of complaints from incontent bloggers and critics. I would like to take this opportunity to  add my voice to the cacophonous din of the hoi polloi denouncing this unanimously unpopular television program. I intend to focus on the multitudinous murmurs regarding the turgid magniloquence of Aaron Sorkin’s characters, in addition to the sanctimoniously didactic bent of the narrative. And while I rejoin my fellow netizens in the aforementioned complaints, I would enjoin you not to squander further time on watching the show, as the possibility of any redeeming factors presenting themselves is surely insufficient to make allowances for unconventionality.

If you didn’t follow all of that, “I’m bitchin’ ’bout The Newsroom cuz they talk funny and cuz they’s too preachy so you shouldn’t waste none ‘o yo’ time givin’ it a chance to get good!”

Seriously! Nobody talks like that in the real world. I swear Aaron Sorkin makes half of those words up as he goes along. Besides, mastering the English language isn’t about using fancy words that have a more specific meaning compared to their more simple synonyms  in order to convey complex and intrinsically important ideas. It’s about learning whether the “i” or the “e” comes first in words like “weird” and “tier”.  And if you are of the opinion that “People don’t talk like that in the real world… but they should!” then I suggest you carry yo’ ass to England, nancy boy! ‘Round these parts, we like folks to speak plain! This show is nothing like The West Wing, where the viewing public was given a reprieve from the heavy mental load of listening to “Sorkin-ese” every ten to fifteen minutes by watching commercials about insurance, fast food, fast cars, fast women, beer and insurance. (There are a lot of insurance commercials). Nobody wants to hear this crap for an entire, uninterrupted hour!

As for the preachy nature of what the folks on the show are sayin’… Quite frankly I find it offensive! How dare you tell me that the 24 hour news networks are lyin’ to me! Fox News even says it’s “Fair and Balanced”! Tea Party Candidates are as qualified as anybody else! AND if you insist on sayin’ that America is anything but the best country in the world in every possible way, you can carry yo’ ass to England too! You Communist, Liberty hatin’, Democrat, freeloaders! I mean, sure The West Wing had its preachy moments. Like when The President basically called God an asshole… in Latin. And there was that debate where they made a point about how to spend tax dollars on education… you know the one, with the “Eskimo Poetry”!? But, that was just government stuff! What gives you the right to get all self-righteous about T.V.!?

Truth be told. If you didn’t think the show was awesome in the first fifteen minutes… you shouldn’t bother watching the rest. It’s not like it takes a while to give you some back story! Also the lack of  insight into the character relationships… (which haven’t developed yet… cuz’ some of the characters aren’t even introduced in the first episode…)  is disappointing . For a show not even all the way through its first ten episodes, it’s surprisingly devoid of any compelling dramatic moments, captivating performances or quotable Sorkin-isms! That is unless you count every time Sam Waterston is on-screen. Anyway, just don’t bother watching it, is all!

The preceding has been a work of satire by Brother Arson. If you, at any time, felt that I was being serious, I refer you to the first paragraph. Which, in style rather than in content, should clearly imply my affinity for the work of Mr. Sorkin and the stance “The Newsroom” takes regarding the moral turpitude of modern media bias, sensationalism and general course of appealing to the lowest common denominator instead of aiming to raise the level of public discourse. 

Also, Fox News is shit.

badeep badeep badeep… That’s All Folks!


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