JUDGEMENT DAY COMETH! NO, REALLY GUYS! I’M TOTALLY SERIAL!
According to the “fine folks” over at Family Radio Worldwide, there are only, at the time of this posting, 17 days remaining until Judgement Day! Don’t believe me? Take a look for yourself!
I’m not particularly fond of having that text affiliated with my blog…but absurdity is, more often than not, the purpose of my internet presence (that’s a fancy way of saying, “my blog and twitter account”…although facebook’s been getting in on the act lately too…but I digress). The point is… Either they’re right, in which case I’m gonna be supremely pissed off…or they’re wrong, in which case they’ll be like every other doomsday predicting fringe group of loons and kooks in history.
It does occur to me that merely reporting on this “special” website would be more fitting via twitter…quick, to the point and nothing much else to it… in fact, that’s how I found it, the fine folks of Hijinks Ensue did just that… and allow their followers to judge the degree of absurdity for themselves. They do produce a fine webcomic (which is something I’d like to discuuss…maybe after Judgement Day has passed) but, I can’t quite let it go that easy. How many “Judgement Days” and “Armageddons” and general “end of the world” kind of days have we lived through thus far? Personally, my first was the one with the purple sheets and the Nike shoes (how bout that product placement) and the poisoned Kool-Aid that the “fine folks” of the Heaven’s Gate cult served up with the Hale-Bopp Comet! That was ’97! Soon after that we had the Y2K scare…which gave us absolutely nothing! I don’t care how many software upgrades they did…somebody somewhere must’ve been stubborn and just let their computer crash…right? well, they let it roll over to ’00 at least…and probably nothing happened! Bin Laden is dead now, but 9/11 (identifiable without the year…like Madonna without a last name) seemed like some sort of Judgement Day… certainly somebody had to have claimed that it was at the time…but we’re still here. Now the one we all know about, December 21st, 2012…that’s the next big one…rogue planet or polar shift or some such thing is supposed to happen… I admit, I’m not completely convinced that this one isn’t real…at least not yet! I mean, we are in an interstellar shooting gallery, and either the frequency of massive earthquakes has ticked up in the last few years or we’re just making more noise about it! Still, it’s not like an all consuming worry for me! And of course, if you watched Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (as I did) you would know that the most recent Judgement Day was a couple weeks ago, April 21st to be specific! But 17 days from now…hmmm…I wonder how many people will read this 18 + days from now… (be sure to comment if you do)!
The strange thing is…as is too often the case, the people making this claim are basing it on “Biblical Prophesy” and doing the math…God, why do you test us so? You know damn well that word problems are the worst possible form of math….I mean, who gives a shit when two trains travelling in opposite directions will pass each other…as long as they get where they’re going on time! But what makes these “Bible Math” people really unbearable to me personally is the same thing that makes 2nd Amendment Quoting Gun Nuts so annoying. They pick and choose what they want while simultaneously proclaiming that the entirety of the source material is unquestionable and sacrosanct…despite the fact that the whole would negate their picking and choosing conclusion. And we’re not going to digress into the 2nd Amendment right at this moment. but we’ll focus on the Bible. I am a believer…not a great Christian (Lutheran to be specific…WHADDUP my Lutheran brethren…and…sistren…??? is that right? nevermind) I don’t do the whole “Church” thing…but I do break bread in fellowship with my peers…and that’s something! The point is… I’m not a Literalist when it comes to the Bible. Allegory and morality tales abound within the text as it exists today… and if you call yourself a Christian, most of it really does boil down to the phrase “Love your neighbor as yourself” Matthew 22:39! (I commited to reading Luther’s Small Catechism for Lent…) At any rate, there are people who want to tell you that every word in the Bible is literal and true and beyond question…but then they ignore so much when they make a claim about Judgement day coming on May 21st, 2011! For instance… Revelations (a great read if you enjoy action/ horror/ epic quest movies) would have us believe that The Anti-Christ will preside over seven years of peace before the world comes to an end… and even then…”Judgement Day” comes much later… I’ll leave the details to those of you who are better versed in the details than I… but you tell me…is there a great and abiding peace in the world? Essentially, they’re ignoring that ENTIRE part of the narrative to drum up…well, I’m not rightly sure!
Over the years it seems that religion will periodically need a scape-goat (how’s that for a reference to Abrahamic Tradition) in order to re-assert or cement itself in a given community. Think “Salem Witch Trials” or “Spanish Inquisition” for examples. If you identify an “other” which stands in opposition to your values, you can secure supporters…even recruit new “soldiers to the cause” by instilling fear of that “other” into the masses. For Hitler, it was the Jews…actually, it’s been the Jews a lot… poor Jews.. And it seems that now, the boogeyman du jour is God himself…that wrathful, old school, “Old Testament” sumbitch that laid waste to cities and brought plagues and turned people into pillars of salt and shit like that… despite the fact that he clearly changed tactics about 2000 years ago (give or take) and used the world’s biggest guilt trip on us! “My son died for your sins…he didn’t die for nothing…did he?” *Cue puppy dog eyes…from God…wow, that’s actually a pretty convincing mental image! At any rate… so much of “The Word” gets ignored that it makes you wonder why you should take any of it seriously… In fact, I’m pretty certain some of my readers already don’t! So I wonder why we give people like this any creedence! I do it so I can bitch about how unfair it would be for me to die in 17 days…or have to suffer through a post apocalyptic hell-scape! I mean…. I’m a virgin for cryin’ out loud! I’m not evil, and it would be totally unfair for the Good Lord to deny me the greatest pleasure he’s ever made available to mankind ( sex…I’m talkin’ ’bout sex) on account of a scheduling crunch! I haven’t witnessed The University of South Carolina Fighting Gamecocks Football Team win a National Championship! If ever there was a Job in an NCAA Football Conference, it’s Carolina fans! Mind you, I’m not questioning, I’m just saying… we’re about due! Oh, and hoverboards…the world absolutely cannot end until I’ve had a chance to ride a hoverboard… or witnessed the discovery of life on other planets…first contact would be nice as a package deal!
So, if we’re still here on May 22nd, 2011, raise a glass with me and let’s call an end to crazy Judgement Day predictions… unless you’re planning a 2012 orgy…in which case, I’ll be expecting my invite in the mail!
p.s. – May The Fourth Be With You!
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